Contemplating
by Ponder
Summary: Ran loves Ken but at a distance. Will he ever tell Ken he loves him? Instead of thinking about him or will Ken get to him first? Yaoi. RanKen.
1. Pondering

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Project WeiB does. You can't sue me because you get much.  
  
Warning/Notes: Ok, no this is not apart of Past. Sorry people ^_^'''!! The good news is I wrote something!! This is dedicated to DI and Yaoke because they're the ones that told me to get over my writer's block (that hasn't left yet). Now the warnings: Aya's real name, yaoi, very mild violence, flashbacks, oneshot/ficellet, um…that should be it. Enjoy! Please don't go too hard on me. This is my first fic in first person.  
  
~~~ = overall flashback  
  
*** = flashbacks in the flashback/normal flashbacks  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
I stare at him everyday. I know I'm oblivious to him. For his heart is with another, not to mention I think he's straight. I'm just left to stand here in the shadows alone. I love him but, I know he doesn't love me. Who could love me? A cold, heartless bastard. Yep, that's what everyone thinks of me. I know I just appear to be cold. I just don't want to get hurt again.  
  
***  
  
"My Orchid, you grow more beautiful each day." he said.  
  
"I'm nothing special compared to you." I kissed him.  
  
"You shouldn't think so low of yourself. You are the rare flower that everyone wants…"  
  
"You are the only gardener, who can make me grow."  
  
"I'm not sure about that Ran."  
  
"I know I am. I love you."  
  
He tightened his grip on me. "You know, we can never be happy together."  
  
"But, can't we try?"  
  
"Ran…"  
  
"Don't 'Ran' me! I gave up everything just to be with you! DOESN'T THAT MEAN SOMETHING!?!?"  
  
"No, it doesn't mean a thing to me." He got up off the bed and put on his clothes. It was the last I saw of him. He never said good-bye.  
  
***  
  
I knew I shouldn't lost my temper. It wasn't his fault I was young and in love with him. It wasn't his fault I was tossed out on the streets. It wasn't his fault… it was mine. It's always my fault. I'm getting tired of having the blame put on me.  
  
***  
  
"AYA, WHERE WERE YOU!?! You were supposed to have Ken's back!" Yoji yelled.  
  
"Yoji-kun, clam down. You're not helping by screaming your head off at Aya- kun." Omi said. He smiled at me from the foot of my bed.  
  
"I don't care. Ken is still in the operating room!! He shouldn't be there!! But, do you know who should be?!? You!!" Yoji pointed at me.  
  
I sighed and took a deep breath. I looked at my bed sheets, better to look at them then at Yoji. "Look, I don't know how many more times I have to say this… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for screwing everything up. I'm sorry for not having Ken's back. If it makes any difference, I wish I was in Ken's place right now."  
  
"You should be…"  
  
Whatever he said next I didn't hear. I had passed out in the middle of Yoji's tirade. Next thing I know I'm wake in the ICU. Instead of being in my boring, normal hospital room, heck, they're all boring. They found out my foot along cut my back was infected. Wonderful, I was running a 105.9 fever. I didn't see Omi or Yoji for the next month.  
  
***  
  
Funny, now that I look back, Ken was out of the hospital in less than two weeks. He supposedly had the more serious injuries. While I only had a foot long slash along my spine. I was originally supposed to stay over night because of blood loss. Instead, I stayed a month and two weeks. I was bed ridden for the next two weeks at home as well. All because the stupid gash had to get infected.  
  
I do remember one thing though… when I woke up one time I saw Ken. He said thank you. I was confused mostly due to fever and pain medication. He talked slowly and told me he was grateful for taking the laceration. I just blinked my eyes and went back to sleep. I know that wasn't the smartest thing to do but when you're drugged up on medicine, I don't think you have a choice.  
  
He was the only one to visit me. I guess they don't care about me. Ken stated to care less also. I'm back in the hospital again. This time for multiple gun shot wounds, three cracked ribs, two bruised ribs, and a serve sprained ankle. I've only been in here for three hours and already I'm bored. The medicine hasn't kicked in yet, or I would be sleeping. One can only count the ceiling tiles for so long.  
  
Now, I'm thinking about the one I can't have, Ken. The gorgeous, perfect, ok not so perfect human being. So, he may be a klutz and trip down the stairs every morning. He's still has some coordination. He was a goalie, right? Oh and speaking of the devil himself.  
  
"Hey Aya, are you ready to leave?" His on crutches for a broken leg. Yoji only has bruises and a sprained wrist. Omi was the luckiest. He only has a very minor cut above his right eyebrow.  
  
Dumb question, Ken, real dumb question but what can I expect from mother hen number 2. That's right first comes Omi, then Ken, me, and last Yoji. I just nod my head, and he goes to get the nurse. After a painful ten minutes I'm in the back seat of the car. Omi is just waiting for Ken. He is getting last minute instructions for me. Looks like I'll be looking at my walls for the next month or so. The key words here is being 'or so'.  
  
"Aya, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"  
  
Let me think… "The bad news."  
  
"The good news is you have to stay in bed for two months" Omi said with a grin.  
  
That's the good news? Ok, so what's the bad news. It can't be as bad as the good news, right?  
  
"The bad news is… you'll have to put up with me in your room for the whole two months. Manx is giving the same amount of time off as you or until I get the cast off. She knows when you're bed rest is up you won't be in the best of shape. So, she's giving us off with half of our usual pay until I can walk again." Ken said.  
  
This could be very good or bad depending on the way you look at it.  
  
~~~  
  
"Orchid what are you think about?" Ken asked me. He puts his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him.  
  
"Nothing." I respond. He gives me that look of 'I know you're lying'. He has gotten to know me so well these past few months. "I was just thinking of how much I love you."  
  
"I love you more."  
  
"No, I love you more." I said. Knowing where this was leading. I usually end the game. It is amazing how just one moment can change a person's life.  
  
***  
  
"AYA!! AYA, WAKE UP!!" Ken shouted.  
  
"Huh?!?" Ow! That wasn't the smartest thing I ever done. Ken didn't miss my small wince of pain.  
  
"You shouldn't have bolted strait up, you know. You only came home two weeks ago." Ken reminded me of the painful fact of how much longer I have to stay in bed.  
  
"Has Yoji come home yet?" I asked. Not wanting him to ask about my nightmare.  
  
"No, he's coming home tomorrow." Ken replied. "Do you want to talk about it? Talking does help."  
  
"No, I'm fine." I huffed and tried to go back to sleep.  
  
"Does it have something to do with me?" Ken asked.  
  
My eyes shoot straight open. "What?!?"  
  
"I know the looks you have been giving me. I'm not blind, you know. I may be stupid and a klutz. I do know when I'm being watched."  
  
"Well…"  
  
"Out with it."  
  
"Idreamtthatweweretogetherandyoutoldmeyouhatedme.Youneversaidgood-bye." Wow! I never knew I could talk so fast. I felt my face flush. I looked down at my covers as if they were the best thing since sliced bread.  
  
Ken cupped my chin in his hand and made me look into his hypnotizing gaze. "Is that what you think I think about you?"  
  
I just nodded. Not trusting my voice. All I remember is a pair of lips attaching themselves to mine. "Ken." I said breathlessly.  
  
"Aya, I love you."  
  
I thought I would cry, heck, I'm crying already. "Ran, my name is Ran."  
  
"Ran…hmmm… I like it. I love you, my Orchid."  
  
I cringed at the sound of that nickname. I was able to put on a fake grin. "I love you, too KenKen."  
  
"Do you know how much I hate that name?"  
  
"No, but now when you hear it. It won't be so bad, ne?" I liked KenKen. I wasn't going to think of another nickname for him either. I was too lazy.  
  
"I guess I'll get use to it. I have one question thought. Why did you say I didn't say good-bye in your dream?"  
  
I sighed and looked at the ceiling. Pretending I didn't hear him.  
  
"Ran."  
  
"I had a boyfriend a long time ago. When we broke up, he just left without a word. We were cuddling on the bed and I made him angry. He just got up and left."  
  
"Ay… er… Ran, he called you Orchid, didn't he?"  
  
"Hai"  
  
"Then he got up and just left you there alone?"  
  
Darnnit!! Couldn't he just have let be get away with half the truth. Then again, this was Ken. The seeker of truth and you gave it to him no matter what. "Yeah, my parents threw me out of the house, when they found out I was gay. I told him I left everything behind just to be with him. Then, I told him I loved him. He said nothing and told me it meant nothing to him. He left. That's it just nothing. Promise one thing, ok?"  
  
"Ok"  
  
"When you leave you'll say good-bye."  
  
"Of course, I'll say good-bye. I'm not going to be going anywhere anytime soon. I love you. That guy was an idiot for not seeing what he had."  
  
"Thank you. I love you, too." This time I think the one who holds my heart will say good-bye.  
  
***  
  
Wow, that was four months ago. I'm still on bed rest. Knocked up on medication too. Dumb bullet wounds got infected. I'm happy. The more time I'm in bed the more time I get to spend with KenKen. I finally found what I love is really supposed to be. No more thinking for me. Ok, so I'll have to think on missions, but that's it.  
  
"Love, you're doing it again." Ken warned.  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"Pondering, now scoot over so I can cuddle with you." Ken ordered.  
  
"Do you really think I can move?" Technically I could but it took a lot of concentration and hurt like the dickens. He just shook his head and scooted over to me on the bed. I just can't help but keep pondering on how we came together. "I love you."  
  
"Un uh, I love you more."  
  
"No, I love you more."  
  
"Orchid, you know how this is going to end, don't you?"  
  
"Of course, I do." As I said before I'm happy. 


	2. Reflecting

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Project WeiB does. You can't sue me because you won't get much.  
  
Warning/Notes: You can call this a sequel kind of to Pondering. This is dedicated to Lilas and DI. Now the warnings: Aya's real name, yaoi, very mild violence, flashbacks, oneshot/ficellet, um…that should be it. Enjoy! This is my second fic in first person. So you can go a little harder on me.  
  
*** = flashbacks  
  
  
  
It's been four months since Ran and I have gotten together. Four fabulous months. I feel sorry for the poor guy. He's been in bed from the start of our small relationship. I say small meaning we haven't gone out yet. I know it will turn into the full-blown thing but for now I'm enjoying the time off I have with him.  
  
***  
  
"Don't… that hurts… stop…" Ran muttered in his sleep. Yes, most people would not believe he talks in his sleep. Trust me some nights I would love to shove a sock in his mouth. Then again I shouldn't say much I snore after all.  
  
"Aya… wake up… AYA…" and yes, he also sleeps like the dead. I know every thinks I'm a heavy sleeper. I'm not. The heaviest is Ran, Omi, then me, and Yoji. "AYA, AYA, WAKE UP!!!"  
  
"Huh?!" He winces. After all he still is recovering from his bullet wounds and he just bolted straight up. He looks so cute with the just woken up confused face on.  
  
I, of course being mother hen number two, have to 'scold' at him. "You shouldn't have bolted strait up, you know. You only came home two weeks ago." He looks at me like I know. So I shut my mouth until he decides to open his.  
  
"Has Yoji come home yet?" Ah ha!! I got you there, Fujimiya!! You're not going to get away so easily. I know you're trying to evade the fact you were having a nightmare and don't want to talk about it. Well too bad. I'm going to make you. "Do you want to talk about it? Talking does help." How do you like your own medicine used on you, huh?  
  
"No, I'm fine." Oh no, you don't obsession of mine. I'm not going to let you get away from me. Not when I'm so close to cracking your ice tonight.  
  
"Does it have something to do with me?" I ask. I know I'm treading on thin ice. I can't help but be direct.  
  
"What?!?" His eye shoot straight open. Like I've just said the dumbest thing on the planet.  
  
"I know the looks you have been giving me. I'm not blind, you know. I may be stupid and a klutz. I do know when I'm being watched." Real smart Ken, real smart. Just insult yourself. Make yourself look stupider then you really are. Wait is stupider even a word. Ok, stop having conversations with myself in my head and consecrate on the redhead in the bed. No not like that. Stupid me!! Note to self: do not have conversations in your head with yourself. His angelic voice breaks me from my thoughts.  
  
"Well…" So it is about me!! I try not to hide my smile. I love him. I really do. I just didn't know he loved me until now. Wait!! Did I just say 'know'? Oh well… back to the person at hand.  
  
"Out with it." The words come out harsher then I would have liked. I'm impatient. I've been wanting him since… one year, three months, two days, and thirteen minutes and fifty five seconds. I think it could be fourteen minutes and sixteen seconds right now.  
  
"Idreamtthatweweretogetherandyoutoldmeyouhatedme.Youneversaidgood-bye." Did I just hear Aya talk that fast? Someone pinch me I think I'm dreaming. I've never heard Aya talk that fast or that much to me in a minute.  
  
Wait he thinks I'm going to leave him… we're not even an item. Unless… I cup his face. I can't help it. I adore the feel of his satin skin. "Is that what you think I think about you?"  
  
He nods. He must have had a worse relationship then me and Kase. I did the only thing I could think of… kissed him. I want him to trust me and to see I would never leave him. Plus it gave me an excuse to feel those claret lips.  
  
All I hear is this breathless "Ken". I want it… no I need to hear it again. But, before I can ask him to say my name again. My mind is working at double its speed. "Aya, I love you." Which can be a bad thing in this case.  
  
Ahh… he's crying. Wait that's bad. He's crying because of me. I don't want him to cry because of me. Ok only when he's in bed… that's another matter. "Ran, my name is Ran." So that's the reason I was saying I love you to the wrong person.  
  
"Ran…hmmm… I like it. I love you, my Orchid." He doesn't like that name. I can see he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He's so cute when trying to be happy.  
  
"I love you too, KenKen."  
  
I hate that name. I loath, despise that name. Note to self: kill Yoji. "Do you know how much I hate that name?"  
  
"No, but now when you hear it. It won't be so bad, ne?" Ok, he has me there. Not back to why you don't want me to call you Orchid. The reasoning is the same for KenKen I think. I can be wrong… I probably am wrong but only for him I will be KenKen.  
  
For now I will ignore that fact "I guess I'll get use to it. I have one question thought. Why did you say I didn't say good-bye in your dream?" He's staring again. Not good.  
  
"Ran." I push. Hoping I would be able to get an answer without having a katana decapitating my head or my… well you know.  
  
"I had a boyfriend a long time ago. When we broke up, he just left without a word. We were cuddling on the bed and I made him angry. He just got up and left."  
  
That's it!?! That's why you don't like being called Orchid. Just because of some nincompoop!! I have to make sure. I do have a tendency to jump to conclusions. "Ay… err… Ran, he called you Orchid, didn't he?"  
  
"Hai" Score one for Ken! On to the second goal. I can get past his defenses easily. He's no match for the soccer player Ken. Even though I'm a second-rate striker.  
  
"Then he got up and just left you there alone?" I will get down to the bottom of this if it is the last thing I do. I'm not the 'seeker of truth' for nothing.  
  
"Yeah, my parents threw me out of the house, when they found out I was gay. I told him I left everything behind just to be with him. Then, I told him I loved him. He said nothing and told me it meant nothing to him. He left. That's it just nothing. Promise one thing, ok?"  
  
Oh. I wasn't expecting something as harsh as that. One day I promise to tell you how my parents found out about my homosexuality. It wasn't pretty but they were kinder then yours. "Ok." The only word I could think of to let him know I understand.  
  
"When you leave you'll say good-bye." Of curse, I will silly Ran. If I told Yoji and Omi that our 'fearless' leader was shy and insecure. They would probably put me in the mad house.  
  
"Of course, I'll say good-bye. I'm not going to be going anywhere anytime soon. I love you. That guy was an idiot for not seeing what he had." I mean every word. I just hope he understands that.  
  
"Thank you. I love you, too." That's all I need. It looks like it's going to be a cozy afternoon.  
  
***  
  
Everything is picture perfect. Ok not everything. Almost everything. After all Ran is still in bed. Poor baby, his wounds got infected and Yoji forgot to give him his medicine for a week. Baka!! Can't believe he forgot that is was his week of medicine duty. I was ready to strangle him when Ran was taken away in the ambulance. Maybe I should have known that he wasn't well. Oh well I have another… um… three months of him to myself. I can think we can bear it.  
  
***  
  
"KenKen, I don't feel good." He moaned. My poor baby, his condition turned from bad to worse. He has the chills every now and then. His fever won't go down. I can only hold him and hope the infection will work it's way out soon.  
  
"Um… sorry to ruin this moment. I have to talk to you Ken." Uh oh, Yoji being polite. Can only mean one thing… TROUBLE!!!  
  
"What do you want?" I bark. My Orchid is not feeling well and I want to spend every waking minute with him, that's when he's awake. "Make it quick."  
  
"I think you should come into the hall and talk." This can't be good at all. This usually means something happened and I'm going to beat his 'pretty' face to a pulp. I don't know what he could want to talk about… I think I know now… he's going to be in a world of pain.  
  
"I think… no I know why Aya is so bad." He's looking at me with 'Please pity me' face. I don't think I can stand it.  
  
"Get on with it." So I can have my reason to beat you now.  
  
"IforgottogiveAyahismedicinethisweek." The last word is not even out of his mouth before I land the first punch. I'm fuming. I really do think I have smoke coming out of my ears. I'm ready to kill Yoji right now. A soft moan of my Orchid crushes my anger.  
  
"Ken…" Oh he sounds bad. I walk into the room and see Omi with the thermometer in hand. I hope it's not as bad as I think it is.  
  
"We have to call Kritiker. He needs to be looked at." Omi goes to make the phone call. I just stand here feeling helpless. Yoji comes into the room once and tried to apologize. I wouldn't listen. I'm just going to hold Ran. Give him some comfort.  
  
***  
  
"What are you thinking?" His soft voice brings me back into reality.  
  
"Nothin'" I say innocently. He looks at me like I've grown two heads. I guess he has gotten to know me pretty well. After all this is his what… fourth month in bed. I guess it could be worse.  
  
"You're doing it again. You say I'm bad." He laughs and I roll my eyes.  
  
"Well we can't all be like you." I say. I know where this will go.  
  
"I wouldn't want you any other way." Such a sentimentalist. I wonder who's worse him or me. I guess I'll have to ask Yoji or Omi on that one. Then again they would never believe me. They would have to know how Ran is and I don't think either of us is willing to come out of the closet yet. Even though I think they already know. They just are waiting for us to tell them.  
  
"You're doing it again." He says quite annoyed. I probably am tuning out his blabber.  
  
"Sorry, Orchid." He just smiles and motions that he wants me closer to him. I am happy to oblige and give him a quick peck on the lips.  
  
"What were you doing?" He asks. Simple question but how to answer. What was I doing. I wouldn't call it thinking. That's was he does. What do I do…um…  
  
"Come on Ken." I see what he wants…  
  
"Reflecting" Yum… I adore the way his lips taste. His flavor is … incomparable with anyone else's. "I love you."  
  
"I know. I love you more." I think I'll leave it there for tonight. His medicine is kicking in. Soon enough he is sleeping like the dead.  
  
I whisper to his sleeping form. "I love you more then you'll ever know." 


End file.
